tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23132741861224683722024-02-20T05:15:33.602-08:00Asperger's / Year 56+Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01739114109127386175noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2313274186122468372.post-2583832455800460152013-05-26T12:31:00.000-07:002013-05-26T12:31:32.897-07:00More on Assholeperger's Syndrome<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I
have read the rather sterile explanation that people with Assholeperger's, I
mean, Asperger’s syndrome, “suffer from an inability to interpret other people’s
intentions and feelings in social situations.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Although this might seem like a minor obstacle to deal with, I have seen
first-hand how the results can be devastating to personal relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently realized how a one minute incident
that happened 15 years ago may have profoundly affected my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 1997 my wife and a group of her peers were
in a business meeting when I stopped by on my way home from work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided to interrupt briefly to touch base
with her about something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I looked
into the room to try and get her attention my wife’s mentor and best friend
looked up and said, “Everything is falling right into place today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s our plumber!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She turned to me and said, “We have a stopped
up toilet for you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone looked at
me and broke out in laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
caught off-guard and I started to panic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She had made a curious statement that seemed to amuse everyone but I
wasn't sure what she meant by it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
that moment I was in the spotlight and I didn’t get the joke....or had she asked
me a question?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone was waiting for
my response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">As
my autistic brain attempted to take her words literally it occurred to me that
since I was in fact a plumber, everyone must have thought I had shit on
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The joke was that a toilet was
stopped up and in walked the guy who had shit on himself already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I don’t DO toilets” I said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I do construction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even have a plunger.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The woman replied, “We have a plunger you can
use.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still puzzled I said, “But I can’t
operate a plunger any better than anybody else.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Motioning up and down with my hand I said,
"You just go like this."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everyone stopped laughing and looked down at the table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It got real quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so bewildered by what was happening
that I left the building.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My wife followed
me outside and, after scolding me for embarrassing her, returned to the
meeting. <br />
<br />
I immediately began to realize that I had made a mistake but I couldn’t figure
out what had happened until I recalled the previous incident that had made me so
self-conscious that day about being a plumber.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had stopped at a store after work and saw a man from church that I
thought of as one of my best friends. When I reached out to shake his hand he
recoiled from me and said, “I’m not going to shake your hand until you explain
what that IS all over you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked
down at myself and realized how dirty I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I began to explain: “The greenish color on my hands comes from handling copper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I washed them already but it takes a lot of
scrubbing to get it all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The black on my
shirt is from the tar that coats the cast iron pipe that we install.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mud on my pants is
just...well...mud.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My friend relaxed
and said, “Oh, okay” as he stepped closer and shook my hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t take any offense at his misunderstanding
but it did make me think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had noticed
times in the past when professional people that I knew from church didn’t
acknowledge me when I said hello to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This only seemed to have happened when I was on my way home from work
and I had suspected that my ‘Sunday’ friends just didn’t realize that they knew
anybody that got dirty at work so they hadn't actually looked at me closely
enough to recognize me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">That day when my friend refused to shake my
hand, I began to be conscious of the fact that some people might think I work
in sewage and it made me feel bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
began to think that people were either embarrassed of me or embarrassed for me
so they just tried to avoid me when they saw me in my work clothes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was one reason I felt so uneasy stepping
into that meeting after doing plumbing all day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I was told: “We have a stopped up toilet for you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I heard was: “You have shit on you
anyway.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that was the
punch-line that made everyone laugh at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I said: “I don’t DO toilets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I do construction.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought it
was clear that I was trying to find the polite way of saying, “I don’t have
shit on me. It’s just dirt.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The words I
chose didn't convey what was in my slightly autistic head very well and in
hind-sight I'm sure that I came across as uncooperative and “too good” to
plunge a toilet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had what I now
recognize as an “Assholeperger’s” moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For lack of a few minutes to process what was being said, I had just
damaged my relationship with the entire group of people that were to become my
only friends for many years to come.<br />
<br /> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>By
the time my wife came out of the meeting, understandably upset with me, I had
decided that I was going to make an apology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I explained to her how I had totally misunderstood what was being said
and how bad I felt about my reaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
told her that I wanted to come by the next day and apologize to all of them
together and explain what was going on with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My wife softened her attitude, hugged me and said, “You don’t need to
apologize Guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told them the whole
story and they understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They said
they are sorry too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone likes you
Guy so just forget it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I never
apologized and I let it go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
relieved to escape the ordeal it would have been for me to address a group of
people that I did not know very well and explain what had gone on in my
head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know anything about
Autism or Asperger’s at the time but I knew that my brain didn’t quite work the
same as everyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that is
why it was always so hard for me to “fit in” or feel like part of a group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was thankful to have my wife, my only close
friend, to help me repair the damage when I made a fool out of myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it weren’t for her intercession, I might
never have truly felt like I was an accepted part of this group either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no idea what had really just happened
though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would be years before I
understood how this incident defined who I was in the eyes of these people. It will be a while before I can tell the rest of this story. It's just too painful to actually post here. Let me just conclude for now by saying that I was never really "part of the group" in part because I hurt someone's feelings so badly that day. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01739114109127386175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2313274186122468372.post-13650881560912130852013-04-14T15:37:00.000-07:002013-04-14T15:37:47.930-07:00Half-assperger's Syndrome<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span class="yiv156160792"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I have always realized that I’m not quite like
everyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was young I
thought of myself as a “deep thinker” and was sometimes told that I was being
“too serious” for my age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never
had the feeling that I fit into any particular group so I tended to pursue my
own interests and ignore the world around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I studied astronomy as a child, photography as a young teen, and
guitar/song-writing as an older teen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unlike a more typical child though, my interests did not lead me into an
appropriate social circle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example,
I never took a music or photography class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I never joined a camera club or tried to form a band.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The number of songs that I have composed is
actually greater than the number of people who ever heard me play one of
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As strange as it may sound, I
crave being around people but I can’t handle being the center of
attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would occasionally fiddle
around with my guitar in front of someone that I was completely comfortable
with but nothing would throw me into more of a panic than when someone at a
party would announce that I was "really good on the guitar" or
something to that effect and ask me to play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When everyone turned to look at me I would feel like I was going to
faint and I would stammer trying to excuse myself in some self-depreciating
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Oh...I really don't play
much...I can't..."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The embarrassment
was excruciating for me and I know I must have embarrassed the person who had
asked me to play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my day they would
call this kind of situation a "buzz-kill."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that I recognize how this condition
relates to the social anxiety that plagues people with AS, I finally have a
name for it: Half-assperger's Syndrome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
so many ways I could teach myself anything that I became interested in but
something that I could not explain would prevent me from progressing past a
certain point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br /> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>My Halfassperger’s was not always a
result of social anxiety though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I
was young and there was no recognition of Asperger's in the school system, I
was often told that I didn't try hard enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Many times this comment was directed at my hand-writing skills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Throughout my school years I believe that I
was penalized by about one letter grade for being sloppy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned from an early age no matter how
hard I tried, I would disappoint my teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>One year in elementary school my teacher asked me privately if I had "some
physical handicap" that kept me from being able to write neatly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him that I didn't think so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said that if I wasn't handicapped then I
would have to practice writing during recess until I got better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I agonized over having to remain at my little
desk when the other kids got to go outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think he eventually realized that I was doing the best I could because
he allowed me to return to the playground after a few days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>As a freshman in high school I had a
wonderful biology teacher named Mrs. Jarrett.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She required us to take notes "like a real scientist does" as
she went through the textbook and used an overhead projector to illustrate the
concepts that we were learning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our
notes counted for 50% of our grade while our quizzes and tests counted for the
other 50%.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I enjoyed her class and I
learned a lot but I barely passed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each
grading period she would point out that I had made an A or a B on all of the
pop-quizzes and on my test but that my notebook was sloppy and that I had
hardly taken any notes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She explained
that accurate and legible notes were important in science because we all build
upon each other’s observations to solve difficult questions about our
world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She seemed hurt to tell me that
she had to give me an F for that part of my grade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mrs. Jarrett was so frustrated with me
because she really wanted to give me a better grade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She implored me to just write down what she
talked about during class and use better handwriting so that she could actually
read what I had written.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"What is
so hard about that?" she asked me, so I explained: "When I try to
write about what you are saying I have to look down at my paper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I look up at you again I don't know what
you just said and I miss what you are showing on the projector.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have found that if I look at the pictures
and listen to every word that you say, I can understand everything and make a
good grade on the test."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went on
in my know-it-all way by saying, "I think that it is more important for me
to learn the lesson than to write more notes and miss half of what you are
saying."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That explanation made
perfect sense to me and I thought it should make perfect sense to Mrs. Jarrett
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately it did not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either my Half-assperger's or my half-assed
attitude left me with a D+ for both semesters and a D+ for the year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span class="yiv156160792"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>I knew that my poor grade did not
accurately reflect my understanding of biology or my true intelligence in
general.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>Two years later I was
sitting in study hall while a girl beside me was filling out a practice final
exam for her advanced biology class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
noticed that she had answered a few of the questions wrong and I couldn't
resist correcting her and explaining to her what the teacher would be looking
for in her answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She glanced over at me suspiciously, referred back to
her textbook, thanked me, and then wanted to know how I knew the answers to her exam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her of my disappointing experience with Ms. Jarrett
and her emphasis on note-taking in first year biology class. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The girl commented that notes were not a part
of her grade and suggested that I should take the class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I signed up for advanced
biology the following year. I assumed that it would be an easy
class for me to pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in for a
rude awakening though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of that D
as a freshman I wasn't allowed to take advanced biology during my senior
year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ended up taking physics instead (and
passed that class with an A) but I ended up with a cynical view of how the
educational system “graded” me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01739114109127386175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2313274186122468372.post-79098409777380105932013-03-30T17:22:00.000-07:002013-04-02T14:30:23.252-07:00The Arts of Conversation, Reading People, and Picking up Chicks <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">When
I was in I was in my early twenties I lived for a while in a south Florida
studio apartment that had been fashioned out of what had once been the carport
on the side of a single family home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
man that lived in the house beside me was a musician.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One evening he came over to introduce
himself and let me know that he could hear me through the wall while I was
plinking around on my guitar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His first
name was Gail, he was about eight years older than me, and he played old standards
in a lounge at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We quickly found
that we had at least two common interests: jazz and girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me that we could find both at a place
called “The Brass Rail” on the inter-coastal waterway in Ft Lauderdale. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked me if I wanted to go check it out. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him that I didn’t have much experience
with hanging out in bars and I could never think of what to say to women that I
didn’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said that I would do fine
if I just followed his lead so I agreed to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">When
we got settled in with our drinks at the end of the bar, Gail began to scan the
room and tell me about the female prospects that he saw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pointed out the tourists and explained how
they were often looking for a “one night stand.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pointed out a group of locals and for some
reason commented that they would not want to talk to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to keep a pleasant smile going as I
wondered if I was sipping my drink at an appropriate pace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew that I was shaking a little and I
hoped that no one noticed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was beginning
to think that my friend was as scared as I was when it came to approaching
women when he nodded toward two ladies at a small table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“They are waiting for someone to buy them a
drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come on.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I followed him to the table where he asked
them if they were waiting for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nodding at each other they stood up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of them held her hand out to me and in a
very animated southern voice said, “My name is Fawn and this is my friend Jade.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took her hand and mimicked her tone by
saying: “My name is Guy and this is my friend Gail.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything turned awkward for a moment before
the woman apologized and stated that they were actually waiting for someone
else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back at the bar, Gail scolded me
saying:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I can’t believe you said that!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“Said
what?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“That
we are Guy and Gail!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“But
that’s our names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was I supposed to
say?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“Not
‘Guy and Gail’ and the way you said it made us sound like we are a couple of [gay people].”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I
was bewildered and I didn’t know what else to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gail paused for a moment and began to explain
slowly: “Couldn’t you see that those women were playing a game with us?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They weren’t telling us their real names and
they didn’t want to know our names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
she said that her name is Fawn you should have said that your name is
Buck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the other one said her name
is Jade, I could have said that my name is Rock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you see what I mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You just made us look stupid Guy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was amazed that Gail could read the people
in the room like that and I was sorry that I had messed up our chance to sit
and talk with those women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had thought
that they were quite pretty even though they seemed to have too much makeup on,
and the one near me smelled like a flower.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We finished our drinks and then left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My neighbor never asked me to go out drinking with him again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01739114109127386175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2313274186122468372.post-57654813625180665712013-03-04T15:08:00.000-08:002013-03-04T15:08:16.073-08:00Excuse me....are you my friend?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">A comment that my family often makes about my
childhood is that I could put with a ridiculous amount of maltreatment from my
peers without taking any apparent offense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My sister recalls a time that she saw a boy kicking me repeatedly in the
hallway at school and I just did not respond in any way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she asked me what was going on I
shrugged her off saying, "Oh nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He’s my friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's just messing
around."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn't accept that
explanation because he was kicking me so hard but being two years younger than
me she didn't know what to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don't
remember that incident but I do recall a similar situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was about ten years old I went out
into the neighborhood where my grandparents lived and saw a couple of boys that
I had played with the summer before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
were under a tree with five or six other kids that I didn't know at all and I
just walked up to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don't remember
exactly what happened next except that they all started making fun of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then they proceeded in turns, one or two at a
time, to beat me up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the first blow
to my face my vision went blank.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
didn't know what I should do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn't
run and I couldn't fight. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember
trying to get them to stop by saying something like, "Okay...okay...
that's enough."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This went on for
several minutes and I had no idea how to extract myself from the
situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Luckily my older sisters happened by, rescued me,
and took me back to my grandparents’ house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As they doctored my bloody nose and cleaned me up, one of my sisters
asked why I wasn't fighting back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
replied: "Because they are my friends."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was puzzled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She went to great lengths to explain to me
that if kids are beating you up they are NOT your friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn't get it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only could I not read between the lines,
I couldn't even read the lines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
want to give the impression that I didn’t understand that something had gone
horribly wrong in that situation though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a traumatic experience for me to approach some kids with the
intention of finding someone to hang out with on a summer day and end up being
beaten for no apparent reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just
felt like there had been some kind of mistake that I didn’t understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t have hard feelings toward those
other boys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just didn’t know why it
had happened or what I had done wrong. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
I have found that, even as an older adult, I have trouble with the concept of
friendship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a part of the initial
process that my psychotherapist used to help me understand how I might be a
little different than a more "neuro-typical" person, she asked me to
tell her who my friends were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I listed
my closest friends first and then went on to comment on the people that I had
lost touch with when they or I had moved on to another job or to live in
another town.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
a very gentle way she began to explain to me that there was something wrong
with my list. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said something like:
"Those people are not who I'm asking about. You're calling your wife your
best friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is a friend in a way
but that's different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you were having
trouble dealing with your wife, who would you be able to talk to about
that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That person would be a
friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the same way, your son is not
really your friend, your daughter is not your friend, and your son-in-law is
not your friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These people care about
you because you are a part of their family but they can't really be your
friends."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I assured her that I did understand what she was
saying and that my family was just sort of my "inner circle" of
friends but I had other friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
example, in the past I had always considered whoever I worked with at the time
as being my friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained that since
I had worked from home for the last nine years I had lost touch with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still had friends during those years though
among the people at my wife's school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
went to their parties and to their weddings and they came to our daughter's
wedding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I described some of them and,
one by one, she said: "No…that sounds like your wife's friend....no that's
your wife's co-worker...no that's your wife’s friends’ husband."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt a little uneasy because I could see
where this was going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We finally got to
the point when she said, "I want you to think of it like this: Other than
your family, who have you known for a long time that you could call if you
needed a really big favor or if you had a problem and you just needed to
talk?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I don't have anyone
like that" I said, losing my composure in the process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's when I had to admit to her what I had
known when we began that exercise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
didn't really have any friends and I didn't really know why.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01739114109127386175noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2313274186122468372.post-15774190075434598842013-02-17T17:40:00.000-08:002013-02-17T17:40:09.329-08:00Empathy?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I
have read about the apparent lack of empathy that is observed by those who
interact with Aspies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say
"apparent" because when I think about this issue, I believe I have
the opposite problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can be
empathetic to the point that it is painful for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I see a kid that is upset because his
mother won't let him have a toy from the department store, I have a strong urge
to just buy the toy for him myself, not only to bring peace to the checkout
line, but just to see that kid smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
I see a homeless person digging in a dumpster like they are scavenging for
food, I will buy them something to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If anyone mentions that they have a problem, I feel compelled to come up
with a solution whether they really want me involved or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">One time a hitch-hiker I had picked up told me
that he was leaving Florida to go home to Ohio because he had been robbed of
everything he owned except for the shorts he was wearing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I literally gave him the shirt off of my back
because I knew how cold he would get by the time he got that far north during
October.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I bought him a sandwich,
gave him ten dollars for the road and drove him fifty miles out of my way so
that I could drop him off at a point where I felt he would have a better chance
to get a ride all the way home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even
then I felt terribly guilty about having to put him out of my car as it was
getting dark, and return to my apartment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He was so overwhelmed by my concern for his situation that he asked for
my address so that he could pay me back when he got on his feet again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not wanting him to make a promise that I
didn't expect him to actually keep, I told him to just do something comparable
for someone else in the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five
years later he finished the book that was to become the hit movie "Pay it
Forward."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Okay, okay... I just
made up that last part to see if I had your attention)<br />
<br />
<span class="yiv195313705">I think that in my case, the lack of empathy that
people </span>think they perceive is actually due to my restricted ability to
read what is really going on with the people around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recognize that I have a huge problem with
what is called "theory of mind" and the related deficits of an
inability to read body language and a limited ability to "read between the
lines" when people are trying to communicate something without actually
coming out and saying it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If someone is
suffering in silence I probably won't even notice that something is wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if they say something like, "My
sister is having surgery today to find out why she is having so many
headaches" I can proceed to spend thirty minutes telling them about a
fascinating article that I read on Latin American politics and not notice that
they aren't listening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their thoughts
are far away and my insight into what kind of man has been running Guatemala is
not making them feel any better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To get
me to shut the hell up they would have to say something more literal like,
"Guy! I am worried that my sister is dying!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most people don't do that though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that most men especially don't feel
comfortable confiding in someone about such personal feelings so they are
likely to just walk away and never want to have a conversation with me
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone else within hearing
distance of this kind of incident is likely form a negative opinion of me
without ever actually talking to me themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I realize that I can be a real jerk sometimes but I would like to think
of myself as a kind, caring, considerate, compassionate, and empathetic
jerk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01739114109127386175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2313274186122468372.post-46697448055308042272013-02-10T20:37:00.001-08:002013-02-10T20:37:35.394-08:00Assholeperger's Syndrome<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Although I don’t
take everything that is said to me as literally as Amelia Bedelia does, I do
take words at face value and don’t do well at all when it comes to “reading
between the lines” in my interactions with other people. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes this deficit results in a
good-natured laugh but more often than not I think it makes me look like an ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Here’s an example of how this deficit almost got me fired: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">One time I did a
small plumbing job in the local hospital that required me to put a pipe through
the ceiling above a patient conference room in the oncology department. As was
the custom our city building inspector came by at his own convenience to
inspect my work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been instructed
to work with the head nurse to coordinate our access to that room so I went straight
to her and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span> asked if I could set up my
ladder to allow the inspector take a look at what I had done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said: “You can do your inspection anytime
but there is a doctor talking to a family in that room right now.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I picked up my ladder, motioned for the
inspector to follow me, walked up to the room and knocked on the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I began to explain to the surprised doctor
why we were there, the head nurse ran down the hall to apologize for our intrusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as the doctor escorted the family to
another room the nurse began to scream at me in a very quiet hospital voice saying, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>“What the hell were you thinking?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just got through telling you that there was
a doctor in this room trying to explain to a family about their loved ones’
cancer diagnosis!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How dare you interrupt
them!" I tried not to look at her but she moved to the right and then to the left to keep her face directly in front of mine as she continued: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">"</span>This is going to cost you your
job!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will never work in this
hospital again!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get your inspection done
then get out of here and NEVER COME BACK!”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I was confused and shaken by this encounter. I don't handle conflict very well anyway but to find myself being confronted by a very pissed off woman when I could not understand what I had done was quite disturbing. She had literally said: "You can do your inspection anytime but there is a doctor talking to a family in that room right now." Where did I go wrong? "Right now" <i>is</i> "anytime" is it not? That incident was almost 20 years ago and I never deciphered the meaning behind her words until I learned the concepts of "too literal" thinking and something called "the unspoken part of a conversation." Experts say that 80% of all communication is actually achieved through unspoken means such as context, body language, intonation of voice and the like. People with Asperger's Syndrome tend to miss that part. It may seem ridiculous for me to explain any further but for the benefit of other Aspies I will. The message that the nurse had intended to convey was: "You can do your inspection anytime <i>except</i> <i>right now because this is the oncology department which means we treat cancer patients and that means that the doctor in that room is talking to a family about someone they love who is very, very sick and may even be dying so just wait a few minutes until they leave and then you can go in there</i>." I didn't get all that. I realize now why she treated me with such contempt. I had an Amelia Bedelia moment and it wasn't funny at all. I'm sure I came across as a real ass. This is what I now jokingly call "Assholeperger's Syndrome" but I don't really expect a laugh. It's only funny in the rarest of situations, like when you ask me to dress a chicken for dinner. </span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01739114109127386175noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2313274186122468372.post-17456414914513456272013-02-07T14:25:00.000-08:002013-02-16T10:57:50.413-08:00How it Started<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Aspergers in Year 56 and Counting </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">There is a series of children's books that, many
years ago, I read to my young daughter about a woman named Amelia Bedelia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The central theme is the hilarious way in
which Amelia constantly misunderstands the instructions given to her by her
employers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She takes everything so
literally that when she is told for example to “dust the furniture” she actually
sprinkles dusting powder around the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When she is told to “dress the chicken” she proceeds to put clothes on
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This quirky characteristic is a
subtle sign that she may be autistic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
makes you laugh even though Amelia often gets fired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is so good natured about everything that
you don’t let yourselves feel too sorry for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">In real life situations a slightly autistic
person like Amelia may not be so easy to sympathize with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently discovered, at fifty-three years
old, that I too live with a mild form of autism called “Asperger’s
Syndrome.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="font-size: large;">My</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"> first impulse to search cyberspace for some information about Asperger’s Syndrome came around my 53rd birthday during the summer of 2010. Jesse Saperstein was promoting his book, “Atypical: My life with
Asperger’s in 22 1/3 chapters.” As he described events in his life and how
autism played into his inability to cope with the world in the way that "neuro-typicals" do, I
recognized that his story did not sound unusual to me at all. In fact he sounded like one of the few normal people that I had ever heard speak about how hard it is to “fit in”
with the strange beings that populate this planet. When I searched the terms “Asperger’s in
adults” I found page after page that described my life experiences in
astounding detail. Everything from my intense interest in astronomy as a child through my love of photography and videography as
an adult might be attributed to my being a “visual thinker.” I began to wonder. Was I was a wiz at geometry as a teenager for the same reason
that I had such difficulty with algebra?</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span> Strong "visual thinking" is one characteristic of one type of mild autism and it seemed to apply to me.</span> Angles and shapes can be “pictured” in
my mind but numbers and variables outside of any concrete context make no sense
to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Next I considered my super-literal way of thinking. I had been suffering through the worst year of my life that summer and I was having real trouble communicating with absolutely everyone in my world. I was sick and alone, without family or friend except for the brief company of strangers who walked their dogs past my apartment door. Upon reading the briefest of descriptions about the problems associated with "too literal" thinking, it dawned on me: "Holy crap! Maybe I'm Amelia Bedelia!" A huge part of my inability to successfully interact with the people in my life had been directly related to my insistence that everything that anyone had ever said to me was to be taken literally. I considered the possibility that all communication between myself and the world around me had broken down because we had not been literally speaking the same language!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I read on down the list of Asperger's characteristics:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> ~...narrowly focused special interests....check!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> ~...extreme social anxiety that interferes with normal interactions....check!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> ~...difficulty understanding how to have friends or be part of a group....check!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> ~...inability to maintain eye-contact in close conversation....check!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> ~...poor fine motor skills and sloppy hand-writing....check!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> ~...inability to read the unspoken part of a conversation...what the hell is that?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">It became clear that I was on to something. After a couple of months of soul-searching and researching, I went to a local psychotherapist for counseling. I received her diagnosis of "right in the middle of the range that is considered to be Asperger's" on my seventh visit to her office. For </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">the
first time in my fifty-four years I began to understand why I have
always felt that there is something wrong with everybody in this crazy world
and why they must perceive that there is something wrong with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am beginning to understand why so many
seemingly simple things in life have been so difficult for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Understanding my autism has given me the
confidence that I needed to communicate to the outside world about what goes on
inside my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s also given me the
freedom to be myself without worrying about how others might try to define
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For those who care to know who I really
am, this blog is my attempt to tell you. </span>
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